From Mommy to Son

Dear Michael,

There is so much that I want to say to you, but I just can’t bring myself to say it. Maybe the time will come that I have enough courage to tell you.

“I will fight with you and for you for as long as you shall live.”

As your mother I have so many dreams for you,

I dream that one day you can live a normal life, even if for only one day.

I dream that you can do the American things, such as go to the movies and eat popcorn, or the ballpark and eat a hotdog.

I wish for you to one day say a foods name (any food) and me not cry.

I wish that someday we can find you a cure.

I wish for you to come home from kindergarten, blushing telling me how you kissed (insert name) under the bleachers.

I wish that one day you will grow older and that you will sneak my car out just to be sneaky.

I wish for you to call me in your desperate hour because you drank but don’t want to drive, because I will be there.

I wish for you to learn how to play sports, because I will be there cheering for you.

I am your cheerleader, I am your best friend, you are my whole world.

I want Matthew to grow up and know his big brother, not know of his big brother.

I want to be able to look at you and not at your grave.

I wish for you to get married and have kids of your own, because after all I would love being a grandma.

These are all just dreams of the future as we don’t know when your time will come, but I do know that I can not let it be now.

I know that I am weak, and that I can not loose you.

As I look into your eyes I see so many things.

I see beauty, and trust.

I see happiness even though your world has been rough.

I see the want to learn and do more.

I see that you love me too.

I am so sorry that mommy and daddy gave you bad genes, I know one day you may hate us.

I am okay with that, because it means you are old enough to be mad and understand.

If you are old enough to be angry with us and understand that means something went right, somehow you are with us.

God sent you to me, because he knew how much I would love you.

God sent you to me, because he knew I would never stop fighting for you.

God sent you to me, because he knew I needed you.

As I look at your 4 month old little brother, it hits me.

He sleeps through the night,

he doesn’t cry or vomit, or have diarrhea.

He has brown hair and brown eyes and seems nothing like you, but has that same lovely look in his eyes

He smiles, and has tummy time,  and loves laughing with you

But for all the sleepless nights with you and all of the horrible (I wish I could forget reactions) you and I have a special bond

I want you to know that I prayed for you

And I prayed for your little brother

I would pray every night that “If a younger sibling could cure Michael to please send us another Miracle.”

That Miracle will happen.

This is my promise to you.

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